


Hey girl

by medras



Category: Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor (Video Game), Middle-earth: Shadow of War (Video Game)
Genre: (that was a Tolkien joke), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, CW: sexual harassment/cat calling, Game Spoilers, Men are terrible, Shadow of War, Shadow of War spoilers, Shelob is a man-eater, also males in general, later chapters are modern!AU, there's some Blade/Celebrimbor if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-23 22:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12518492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/medras/pseuds/medras
Summary: Celebrimbor is overprotective of Eltariel. Especially when other elves are involved.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Chapters 1 and 2 of this fic rely heavily on something that happens in the finale of Shadow of War. Please don't read if you want to play it yourself first!
> 
> This fic also contains brief descriptions of sexual harassment (cat calling, specifically), so please don't read if that will upset you. If you're on the fence: it never works out for the men.
> 
> Finally, thanks to my friend who picked up a copy of the game for me and accepted that this was the way I was going to pay him back XD

The Blade claims a table in a dark corner of the tavern. She knows that Men have a completely different definition of personal space, so she isn’t surprised or disappointed to find the tavern overcrowded and raucous. She magnanimously puts up her slight discomfort to cultural differences that she has to accept while in this human tavern.

A still-unfamiliar feeling somewhere behind her sternum purrs in agreement.

Eltariel finds a rather large mug of wine has appeared with her meal. The barmaid gives her a sympathetic cringe and moves slightly to reveal an all-too-smug looking Man at the opposite end of the tavern.

If she flushes, it’s out of anger.

Not that anyone could see with her hood pulled over most of her face, as it was. The internal purr turns sour and hot. Blade ignores him in favor of wolfing down her food so she can retire to her rented room and begin cleaning her equipment before another long day of travel in the morning.

Of course, being able to finish her meal undisturbed was too much to ask for. The Man who bought her the (untouched) drink invites himself to her table. She very deliberately does not pull her lips back into a snarl and keeps one eye trained on him while she eats.

Then an elf appears behind the man, looming for a moment behind him. Eltariel thinks he might attempt to defend her honor or something ridiculous like that, but what he does next is _infinitely_ more ridiculous.

He swoops down to crowd her on her own bench, throwing an arm around her shoulders. She can barely hear his “I’m sorry about my friend here” over the rush of blue.

 _How dare—_ Celebrimbor hisses inside her ear,

“It’s fine,” Eltariel says lowly, “I can handle them myself,”

_They shouldn’t—_

“It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” she snaps,

When Blade can pay attention to her surroundings again, the two men have backed off slightly, trading wary glances over the woman who’s now very obviously talking to herself. They seem to come to some conclusion, though, as they lean back in towards her, grinning predatorily.

“A bit witch-touched , eh? That’s alright by me... makes ‘em better in bed,”

She realizes they’ve pegged her for weak prey. All the worse for them, she supposes. She stands smoothly, unhurried, and stabs the fork deep into the wood table. She’s tamping Celebrimbor’s wraith down but it’s a bit like fighting a blush. Or a river. It always finds a way around.

Eltariel nods to the barmaid who’s looking more concerned by the second and then continues towards the stairs in the back of the tavern which leads to the guest rooms upstairs.

“Hey slow down, sweethea— !” one of them calls,

She turns back to them, ready with an angry reproach to their behavior toward her.

But their faces are already ashen, and they’ve stopped in their tracks.

The whole bar has _stopped_.

Celebrimbor’s face hovers in front of hers. It’s hard to see his expression from the inside of it.

“ _LEAVE, YOU WORMS._ ” he commands.

The Man and the elf scramble over each other in their haste to get out of the bar. A gust of cold rain pushes in as they pour out into the night, but neither attempts to re-enter, despite the storm.

Eltariel sighs. “You know they’ll just pick on some other poor girl,” she says once they’re alone in her room.

“A simple ‘thank you’ would have sufficed,” he corrects, haughtily.

Blade smiles silently. She pulls her blade and whetstone. Celebrimbor settles back down into the hollow of her chest.

And if she got some enjoyment out of watching the Man and the elf nearly piss themselves in fear of them, she certainly wasn’t going to tell him about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an idea that stuck in my head ever since I saw Celebrimbor and Blade make an alliance (or whatever you want to call it XD) and I don't know why! Well, specifically, the idea was this was happening in modern times which is why the next two chapters are a modern!AU.
> 
> Also my headcanon is that Celebrimbor and Blade had a ton of adventures together even though I'm pretty sure that's impossible with the end timeline of the game ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Comments and kudos are awesome! If you're interested, I hang out and talk about games and other weird stuff on [my tumblr](https://closetedboggart.tumblr.com/), and you can follow me there!
> 
> Next up: Modern!AU Blade.


	2. Modern!AU Blade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First note: this references the same end-game spoilers as the first chapter. If you were skipping the first chapter to save yourself: also skip this one!
> 
> This is the original plot bunny for the first chapter, and even after writing the first one, it wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write it.

The man slides onto the bench next to her. Once again, uncomfortably in her personal space.

“Hey, hone— “

“ ** _NO_** ” Celebrimbor swivels his head out from Eltariel’s,

The man slams into the doors of the subway car, jibbering and wailing.

Blade doesn’t even look up from her book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know why Blade is in the modern world. Maybe she's not allowed to go West or whatever it is elves do when they "die" because she's attached to our best ghost bud.
> 
> Anyways, next up is: Modern!AU Shelob!
> 
> Comments + kudos are always welcome :)


	3. Modern!AU Shelob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does _not_ have end-game spoilers for once. It's the last in my trio of spooky ladies scaring the shit out of rude ass men, so I hope you enjoyed my Halloween contributions :)

He doesn’t believe his luck when it seems the pale, dark haired woman came to the coffee shop alone today. He’s watched her from afar for the past few months she’s been coming here, always with a different man. Except for today, and he’s not going to let this chance pass him by.

He grabs his coffee and approaches her table, “Is this seat taken?” he puts on his best smile and gestures to the seat across from her.

Up close, her dress _shines_ and drapes beautifully over her form; water cascading over her curving body, leaving nothing to the imagination and pools at her feet.

Slowly, she looks up at him. A smile crawls onto her face,

“Please,” she says, smooth as silk, “Feel free.”

He does a mental fist pump and quickly reaches down to pull out the chair. Something leathery brushes his hand.

“Oh, I think your bag is—” his words catch in his throat,

It’s not her bag on the chair, it’s a spider the size of a cat. It raises its front legs and leaps forward, sinking fangs into his hand, then is gone somewhere under the table just as quickly.

“Holy shit! Did you see that? What the fuck was that!?” he looks up at her, panicked, coffee forgotten,

For a moment, he sees a giant spider sitting across the table from him, drool hanging from its mouth and hunger in its many eyes. But then his vision swims and he collapses onto the chair. The woman is back, sipping her coffee and already engrossed in her work again. He wants to ask her what’s happening but his tongue is too heavy to move.

The last thing he sees is the table rushing towards him as the world goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same deal, no idea why Shelob is here. I'm a little sorry for using her witchy-I-guess abilities to turn into a sexy human lady because I know it makes no sense given the rest of canon (unless Hobbits are too pure to be fooled by her illusions??? I dunno), but it gave me a great idea for a story suddenly, so here we are.
> 
> Feel free to comment/kudo/[talk to me on tumblr](https://closetedboggart.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
